I love the wedding dress, I really do. What I don’t like is my big fat body in the wedding dress. I don’t think a corset or spanks will make a difference. The reality is, I still don’t like myself and probably never will. Wonder if I can get comfortable with that idea. uh, nope.
I went to my new lap band doctor’s office for a class with the dietitian/nutritionist. She was pretty inspiring. She is a two year out band patient who has lost 196 pounds. She looks fabulous. What she taught made a whole bunch of sense too. I learned a lot.
I didn’t know that my “new” stomach is the size of a golf ball. I didn’t know that if I ate more than 1/2 a cup of anything – that caused stretching, I could cause myself serious harm. The band could slip. How awful would that be! She also said most people stop at about six months and have a relapse – oh yea? Sign me on that dotted line. But, she said people almost always get back on the wagon and do fine. Oh I hope I hope that is so!
My counselor Sally Ray called to see how I was doing. You know what’s weird, when I think about the brain aspect of this disease, I’m thinking I’ve learned so much about myself in the last few years, I really shouldn’t blame old thought patterns …. but….I do. When I was talking with Emily about it yesterday, she kept saying, just get over it Mom. I love her. Things seems so simple when she says it. I think too much, says she. Yep. No amount of therapy, drugs or food will ever change that I reckon. Again, perhaps I should make peace with that. Oh I can do that for a minute, but ask again in another and see if I’m holding my resolve. uh, nope.
Isn’t life fun? 🙂
After the nutrition class yesterday, I bought a “kick-start” batch of protein products to get myself “back on the wagon.” I am determined to like my wedding dress on me. Maybe if I can hold on to this inspiration and resolve for two weeks, it will continue for the next two months, abd ib, Boy, would I be happy about that – and proud of myself.
Time really does go by fast. By the time Fred and I get married it will be one year since I had the lap band put in place. 40-50 pounds gone is a wonderful thing. Sure I wish it was 100 and I was nearly done losing at the extra tub. But then, what would I obsess about? Ha Ha. My identity is so entrenched in being the “fat girl”. I’ve got to find something else to obsess about and get an identity I will be comfortable with – for me. Hmmmmmmm.