What the hell happened to the journaling from October 2007 to now, August 2008? I met with Dr. Sonnastein and registered for all the preparations to get the lap band. Dr. Sonnastein is VERY thorough. He set me up with appointments with a nutritionist, psychologist, gynocologist, cardiologist and ultimately an oncologist. The doctors decided that the loss of blood must be related to being female. So in November 2007 I had a simple surgical procedure to stop the bleeding. That didn’t work. My numbers kept going lower. Dr. Sonnastein sent me to an oncologist where for six weeks I received…

Had the colonoscopy and a complimentary endoscopy Wednesday. I do not have cancer, thank you God. That is a wonderful relief. I have a touch of gastritis, but otherwise the lack of iron is not caused by the colon. Whew! Wonder what’s wrong with me.

OK so the doctor called me personally to tell me I have no red blood cells. Great. What does that mean? He said my hemoglobin number was very low and I need to get a colonoscopy to see if there is cancer. Damn.

I went to the doctor today. I wanted to consult with him about the Lap Band I’ve been hearing so much about and have a check-up. He gave me a well due physical. In talking about the physical, I told him about dating scene and my life. He asked, “Are you sexually active?” I said, “No, but I sure want to be!” I like making my doctor laugh. He’s a great doctor. We talked about new birth control options. Good grief, I haven’t had to think about such things since I had Emily 23 years ago and Mike had his…

I find it interesting that I go from thinking about food and fat to men. What a jump. There must be something to that. Hmmmmmmmm. I wonder what the implication is. Speaking of jumping – I called the Tri-State Bariatric Weight Loss Center and have an appointment to meet with Dr. Sonnastein. After the St. Luke tribulation I’ve decided I’m at the end of the road of doing things on my own. I need help.

Filling up the holes in my heart. That’s what I’m doing with food. I guess that’s what I’m doing with men too. Men are healthier, though, aren’t they? Non-fattening at least. At least they won’t make me fatter. Ha ha. Gads, unless I got pregnant or h.i.v. Holy Shit! Who thought I would have to think about such things at the age of 52!

I had a date with a new fella. He was really nice. Kissed really good.

OK , so I’ve been meeting men like crazy. These are men I’ve met online from Plenty of Fish and Yahoo. I’ve had some excellent dinners and wonderful conversations. It surprises me how much the men want to go to bed right away, even with a fat girl. Who knew! I guess they think I’m desperate. The merry widow? No, I’m not desperate, but I am feeling a tad bit horny. Five years is a long time. I really just want to be touched and caressed. I’d love to have wild and crazy sex. Doesn’t everyone? I think I want…

No, the skinny bitch doesn’t stand a chance. Can’t seem to stick with the program. Don’t want to apparently. Don’t have the resolve anymore.

Great news to myself. I didn’t gain 45 pounds back. I only gained 21. That’s very cool. I’m catching myself before I completely explode. I don’t feel like I’m starting over. I feel like I’m starting anew. New energy. Working through the bull shit of my own self. Feels good. Maybe the skinny bitch has a chance.