October 27, 2008 – a day ahead of myself

Something anxious happening in my head:

Me and time. What is it about me a time. My appointment with the doctor is Tuesday, not Monday, my car appointment was today, not tomorrow. My brain. Is it fibromyalgia fog or lack of iron? Is it lack of food? I know, I’m withering away to nothing – OH I WISH!

My wrinkles have reappeared on my face so I know I’ve lost a little something, but I don’t feel like I’ve lost very much. I won’t know until I go to the doctor. This is the part I HATE about watching my weight – going up or down — the scale, the dreaded nemesis that determines if I like or hate myself for that moment. Why does it have so much power?

The reason I chose the lap band is for the goal of gradually obtaining whole health. Health is not only in the number of my weight. I’m also worried about the number of my iron count. The number of days I should wait to have yet another surgery. I’m more worried about getting enough fluids in. So, why in the hell am I so afraid about getting a tongue lashing tomorrow? Oh, it’s that ugly voice inside me telling me I’m not good enough. That voice is shouting loudly. Why can’t I choose to just turn it off?

I have followed the meal plan to the best of my ability. It isn’t easy. It does take planning. I’ve never been a planner. That’s another step in the growth process I must be willing to take and keep in a consistent fashion. I’ve eaten out three times this week. Oh boy, let’s see 1/4 cup of soup – regular soup. Is that bad? I only ate the broth like the book says to do. Like I say, I’m ready for a tongue lashing.

I really hate this part. I can’t run away from myself this time, or the doctors, or the scale. Arg.

Something interesting happened on the phone:

Last night a friend from my Grant’s Lick Elementary School days called to tell me she was having lap band surgery today. We talked for a while about my experience. She is also a young widow, like me. I will say that I’m excited to be able to share in the journey with someone who has commonalities with me.

She asked me what my goal was for my weight loss. She has a piece of clothing she wants to wear. That question kind of threw me. I haven’t thought about a real goal. Oh I talk a good talk. I want to be a skinny bitch (what the heck does that mean anyway?) I want to buy clothing at Victoria’s Secret – better yet, how about being in a regular store to buy any piece of clothing. I don’t like buying clothes at the tent sale. ;-P Oh I have some secret wishes. But, are those really goals? I’m going to have to think more about that. What will make me feel like I have succeeded? Good question. It’s so many little things, not just one.

So tomorrow………something good?

My prayer.

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